im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
