yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
