Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
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some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
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Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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