I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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