when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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