you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
