ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
be right there i have to get my cape
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
