i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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