If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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