So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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