she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I forget how to act sober
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
