I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
