he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
