It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
