We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
