if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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