false alarm. still invincible.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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