The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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