I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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