apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
