please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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