Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
