I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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