just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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