I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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