roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
