I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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