I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
nutella sex= disaster
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
