16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
