I'm going to jail i love you
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
