Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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