I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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