A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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