So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
