went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
