You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
