I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
