im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
