She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we're making bets on your personal life
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
