3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
