life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
