I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Found the puke drawer
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
