you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
