So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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