I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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