i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
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and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
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Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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