I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
