I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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