i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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