I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
