Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
