There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
the raccoons are back...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
