i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
