Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
