The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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