Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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