How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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